Dog Eat Dog 2: Zombies Not Eat Dog
Well, it's been an evening filled with pillaging a used CD store, hanging out with friends for coffee and then going to see the zombie-infested apocalypse
Dawn of the Dead. I am happy to say that they at least had Tom Savini there for a cameo. Much rejoicing.
Overall, I'm rather impressed with the revamped version. Though ultimately the only real things it shares with Romero's original are: there are zombies; there is a mall; and there are people trapped in the mall who feel that if they let the zombies inside, the zombies would surely make a horrible mess as they shamelessly ravaged the clothing racks at American Eagle looking for good deals.
This has me considering what might happen if, let's say, zombies invaded Canada. What would happen if Canadian zombies roamed the streets? Now Mel argues that zombies simply would not come to Canada; Canadian immigration would not let them through. I think they would, since national border patrols admittedly leave something to be desired. They'd be around, eating some random hapless schmuck, but they wouldn't be allowed to legally work.
But I digress. Which, given the topic for today's little bit of nowhere, is a lot better than if I were digesting. I'm suddenly reminded of a Shel Silverstein poem about someone eating a baby...
Anyhoo, back to Canadian zombies. Those of you easily offended by such things as satirical stereotypes, or just the letter 'T', should probably go elsewhere. Might I recommend www.disney.com
If zombies were to manifest themselves in Canada, I don't think the Canadians moving around with an actual pulse would have much reason to worry about eating lunch. No, Canadian zombies wouldn't be attracted to human flesh. They'd be after a much more precious Canadian commodity: donuts.
Tim Hortons all over the country are laid under seige by hordes of donut-hungry zombies ready to mercilessly sink their teeth into a honey cruller or Boston Creme. Angered Canadian citizens are trapped on the roofs of Tim Hortons, trying to pick off as many zombies as they can, as the store employees fend off zombies from getting anywhere near the coffee makers.
Of course, Canadian zombies might also be pretty polite and decent, so they might wind up running the Tim Horton's they overrun. I can see it now: walking up to the counter, and on the other side is a decomposing zombie with an ungainly shuffle and a work uniform & badge telling me Hello My Name Was Tom.
Me: ^-^ "Hey there, Tom! I'll have a large coffee, double cream, one sugar."
Hello I Was Tom: "Uuuuurgh..."
Me: "Right then. So...see the hockey game last night?"
Hello I Was Tom: "Uuuuurgh...."
Me: "I, uh, noticed the new zombie forward on the Leafs ate the goalie for the Red Wings last night. What do you think about that?"
Hello I Was Tom: "Uuurgh!"
Me: "Yeah, I know they're coming down hard on the fighting and cheap shots these days. But did he really have to eat the ref that tried to throw him out?"
Hello I Was Tom: "Uuuuurgh."
Me: "I guess you're right; an eight game suspension is tough but fair. So, when you're done your shift, want to join me and the guys at the bar for some beer? Just promise me you won't be a glut and embarrass me by doing that drunk striptease on the table again."
Hello I Was Tom: "Urgh!"
Me: "I don't care if you don't remember a thing! I do! You know that your various...appendages can fly off easily. One thrust of that pelvis, and I had to reorder my glass of scotch!"
Hello I Was Tom: "Uuuuurgh..."
Me: "You damned right you're buying for me tonight. Say, nice toque you're wearing today."
Hello I Was Tom: ^-^ "Ruur!"
Me: ^-^ "You're welcome! Hey, wait a minute...I didn't order this Soilent Green donut."
Hey, it could happen. Or else they'd mug & eat some poor buggers portaging their canoe through downtown Toronto.
Today's Useless Fact: the movie caption tells us that when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth. If Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett are right, then that means hell's maxed out on space for door-to-door salesmen.
posted by Phillip at 9:50 PM
